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TABLE OF CONTENTS
We Have A Date! 5 The Secret to Success and Happiness 6 Which Category Do You Fall Into? 7 Promoters: The Limelight of Everything 8 Controllers: The Power to Control Everything 9 Supporters: At Peace with Everything 10 Analyzers: Constantly Dissecting Everything 11 Setting the Stage 12 How to Date Promoters 13 How to Date Controllers 15 How to Date Supporters 17 How to Date Analyzers 20 Being Everything to Everyone! 22 Unannounced Bonuses 23
“Mastering Dating Skills by Understanding the Way your Date Behaves”
We Have a Date!
Welcome to the Dating Personalities guide! This is a fun-filled, light-hearted guide on how to get a good date by understanding yourself as well as understanding how your date will behave based on his or her personality type!
As you might know, there are many variations of teachings regarding the personality quadrants out there all written by psychologists and experts in the field. This book is not a manual to self-enlightenment.
The information here covers two main points:
- Understand which personality quadrant you fall into
- Understand how to deal with your date or the person you want to dateWhen I first started dating, I didn’t know how to react to her – the object of my affections. I had no experience because I never went on a date before, and I thought that the way to win over my date’s affections was to please her. It sounded like a fantastic idea, but I made a big mistake:What happened afterwards was one disaster after another because I kept doing the things she didn’t like which I thought would be something which I did like. I learnt that I needed to adjust the way I communicate. Unfortunately, things got so bad that we broke up but the lesson taught me how to deal with people better from then on.Enough about me! Let’s move on to the juicy stuff now.
I saw her through the filter of my own personality quadrant and
I made assumptions that what I like and what I need is what she likes and what
The Secret to Success and Happiness
Different people have different definitions about success and happiness. But the one BIG factor to that lies here: OTHER PEOPLE.
You see, consider the fact that other people are:
- Quite similar to others in the ways they are
- Like no one else – unique!
- More like some people more than the othersMost self-improvement books and research actually show that men and women typically fall into one of four unique groups. As a matter of fact, those people tend to react in a rather predictable way when faced with circumstances and situations.Each of these styles, which I will go into in the later chapter, has its own strengths and weaknesses. Although it is important to realize that no style is superior or inferior to others, we must take note of the fact that the other 75% of the people we encounter reacts differently from us.If your date happens to be from a different quadrant, you have to adapt your communication style to match him or her if you want to please your date.You do not need to go into a personality overhaul if you do not like something about yourself. The key point to remember is people who find success and happiness, are those who are flexible enough to relate to others through modifying their own predominant interpersonal style to meet the needs of others who have a different predominant style.In other words, ‘my way or the highway’ just doesn’t work anymore.In the next chapter, we will play a little game that will give you an idea which personality quadrant you will fall into.
Which Category Do You Fall Into?
PEOPLE ORIENTED or TASK ORIENTED?
In other words, do you feel more comfortable dealing with task, schedules, objects, projects, and results? OR do you feel more comfortable dealing with people, groups and peers?
DOMINANT or EASY-GOING?
Do you find yourself always wanting to be in charge, in the lime-light and finding things to take over? OR are you the more laid-back, relaxing, don’t mind, complying attitude?
NOTE: Don’t Think too much! Just take the 1st answer that pops up in your mind!
IF YOU ARE:
INFORMAL + DOMINANT, YOU have a PROMOTING STYLE
FORMAL + DOMINANT, YOU have a CONTROLLING STYLE
INFORMAL + EASY-GOING, YOU have a SUPPORTING STYLE
FORMAL + EASY-GOING, YOU HAVE an ANALYSING STYLE
STILL CAN’T DECIDE which categories you are in, ASK the person who spends the most time with you and chances are, you belong in one of the 4 styles above.
Now that we have established your typical behavioral pattern, let’s see how we can get you to deal with your date!
Promoters: The Limelight of Everything
Promoters are people with strong social skills. They are very good at winning over people, crowds, even enemies. They enjoy being in the lime light.
A promoter will always be eager to please others especially if they give them attention for their outgoing, friendly ways. They also enjoy the recognition from other people and generally get involve with things they would excel to be the best in. Quick thrills and fast- paced action motivates them.
When they deal with people, they will generally try and sell themselves to others and even try to win their point of view if it differs. Often, in spite of their outgoing and winning personality, people may perceive them as show-offs, manipulative and like to use other people.
Most of the time, they tend to disregard the feelings of others. They do not know they have offended someone even though they thought it was a really funny joke (normally to gain the attention of others at the expense of the poor friend).
A promoter may also appear to others as overly attention seeking, liars and over exaggerate events or stories to get the attention of others.
They are people who respect strength and will often trample over weaker people. If you are a promoter, you will be:
- A person who uses openness to build trust
- Likes applause, sincere feedback and being the center of attention
- A person who embraces excitement and risks
- Responds to personal challenges coming from other people
- Tends to save effort
- Likes to gain visibility and exposure in the eyes of others
- May appear over-committed but under-deliver
- Will be influenced by anything that appeals to them emotionally
Controllers: The Power to Control Everything
Controllers are typically people whom others perceive as a very active, independent, self-confident and results oriented kind of person. He or she may appear to be bossy at times or even disregard other people’s feelings when it comes to getting things done.
They are very forceful and strong willed and may tend to take charge of everything especially when they see a colleague, project partner or subordinate doing something wrong or slowly.
They usually appear rushed and will do anything to save time in the name of efficiency. They also have very high standards and will be seen as very competent in getting the job done but may push people too hard and sometimes even wondering why those people don’t respond to orders or move too slowly.
Controllers also tend to lack patience when dealing with others. They don’t like repeating instructions and solving the same problem over and over again.
A controller’s need for personal success will also become counter productive as they limit their ability to work as a team with others because they will hoard all the task to themselves.
If you are a controller, your will be:
- Obsessed with efficiency and saving time
- Enjoys beating your opposition to the ground
- Measure the value of everything in results
- Gets along well with people who will comply with you
- Likes to find out what is the solution to getting things done
- Does things that gain immediate result
- Thrives best when given the freedom to make all the decisions
Supporters: At Peace with Everything
Supporters are very good friends. They are very casual and likable people that would go all out to please others. They are the peace makers. They tend to minimize conflict with other people.
When it comes to making decisions, they let generally let others make the decisions and will rarely turn down the request. They may sometimes be perceived by others as having no back-bone because of their complying attitude and lack of initiative.
They are also people who do not respond well to challenges and are not usually highly- competitive people. This is because they do not want to hurt the feelings of others when winning or losing in a competitive environment and may even ‘let others win’ to preserve the friendship.
They are people who respond well to orders (especially from controllers). This makes them very easy to supervise but not when it comes to having them do things on their own without supervision. They also tend to lack interest in planning and goal-setting and may need to be more ordered when it comes to doing things.
Sometimes, it is no point asking them for honest or critical advice because they then to sugar coat the feedback in an effort not to hurt anyone.
Finally, when they face disagreement, they tend to let others have their way while building a wall of resentment in themselves until they finally explode (and then apologizing profusely afterwards)
If you are a supporter, you will be:
- Leaning towards projects that promise rewards and more friends
- Are more inclined to personal welfare than goals
- Will do anything to save a relationship
- Enjoys people that provide companionship and mutual cooperation
- Views attention from friends and loved-ones an utmost priority
- Lacking urgency in doing things
- Poor time management
- Builds trust through acceptance
Analyzers: Constantly Dissecting Everything
An analyzer is a type of person who uses a methodical problem solving method approach to life. They tend to lean more towards good ideas, complex concepts and intriguing solutions rather than towards feelings. They also like study and analysis of the topics they are interested in.
When it comes to making decisions however, their knowledge does not help them; rather it hinders them from making timely decisions. The term – Too Much Analysis Leads to Paralysis tends to describe them best. They tend to procrastinate too much until they ‘find the best solution’.
Normally when you put to similar analyzers together, they can entertain each other for hours dissecting, hair-splitting ideas and spend the whole day discussing theories and situations and all kinds of things relating to their topic of interest. On the other hand, when it comes to talking to others, they tend to bore others and they wonder why nobody will listen to their great ideas and analysis!
Analyzers are the most well organized people in the world and perhaps the only group who enjoy doing the dishes. Their charts, graphs, statistics, schedules, calendars and diaries are probably the most beautiful pieces of artwork they own.
Analyzers thrive in situations where they are in an advisory role and relate well to others through information. However, they don’t respond well to pressure and will be rendered ineffective when it comes to high-pressure situations.
If you are an Analyzer, you will be:
- The king of knowledge and will thrive in situations where information is needed
- Measures progress by the number of activities
- Has an overly detailed time management style
- Builds trust with others through reliability
- Always asks the question HOW because it relates to technical things
- Will do anything that ensures safety and gains certainty
- Is influenced to decide through detailed plans and well charted arrangements
Setting the Stage
Now that we have a good idea how we behave, we must remember that the categories above apply to different people at various degrees. The descriptions above define generally what those groups of people have in common. A person with the more extreme style will display those characteristics more pronounced.
We must move on to the most important step which is being able to relate to your date in a way that he or she will be attracted to you. In other words, you must relate to her HOT BUTTON.
I will list down how what would be considered a date’s worst nightmare as it related to their personality quadrant. These people will find such a date, a very big turn-off, and will most likely not want to see their date again after the first encounter. As a result, we must pay attention that our advances do not put them in a situation with too much pressure. We will also take a closer look at their responses in high pressure situations.
The majority of the time, people will form their opinions of you during their first impression (most likely after the first date, it is a good indication how it will affect the rest of the relationship).
Remember once again, that 75% of other people are not like us. So it helps to anticipate how they will react to situations and the predictability of their actions will help us to make intelligent guesswork.
How to Date Promoters
A promoter’s worst idea of a date:
Um, hi, err…I have got our entire outing thoroughly planned out for tonight, ok? First, we will come over to my place where we will be watching documentaries on the developments of the decades, and then we will head over to the restaurant nearby to have a meal. The restaurant has planned out the entire program where the food will all be served according to the order listed down on the menu, and they will be featuring a live band that will play songs that are enjoyed by the majority of the people. After that, maybe we can head over to the library to do some reading. Don’t worry, there’s no pressure for us to rush anywhere or do anything over-exciting. In fact, we won’t bump into anyone at all cause nothing can go wrong on this date… um, so how’s that?
A promoter’s worst nightmare is predictability! They don’t like things to be predictable and boring without any element of excitement or visibility.
If you are an analyzer:
Cultivate your social skills and learn to show more emotion when you talk. Don’t show apathy when relating to others. Be a good listener: promoters LOVE to talk and talk and listen to you sound excited and concerned. It is easy to get to their hearts if you shower them with attention and openness. Don’t give too many details to the promoter. Your constant rambling about theories and ideas will make them turn off their minds if they find you boring or cannot relate to your analyzing style. If you close yourself up too much, the promoter will have little chances of relating to you and you will ruin your chance for a second date.
If you are a controller:
Never ever focus too much on the end result of the date. Learn to loosen up a bit and enjoy the process of dating because promoters love going through the process. If the promoter is talking and you butt in too much when trying to offer your own idea on the way things should be, you are stealing the limelight away from the promoter. Take your time to understand and relate instead of rushing. If you enjoy the freedom of making the decisions during your date, you can always set up the date with lots of surprises and excitement. Promoters respect strength so show them you as a person are up to the challenge, but don’t appear bossy or pushy.
If you are a supporter:
Supporters are a good match for promoters. They enjoy pleasing their friends and the promoters will dazzle them with their stories. However, there is a tendency to let the promoter walk all over you and if you give in too much, you will develop resentment and it will spoil YOUR idea of a good date. Promoters also like to move from one exciting place to another so don’t spoil their mood by lacking urgency and being too laid-back.
If you are another promoter:
It is fun when two promoters get together and have a raging time together. However, it might not turn out to be the case when one promoter tries to steal the limelight from another. It will become a competition of who tells the better stories or does the more outrageous thing and the date might turn out to become a disaster. Don’t be too quick to jump the gun. Pause, check if everything is ok, or count to 10 if necessary. Also don’t over-commit to your date if you are not ready to be serious. There is a tendency for promoters to promise or commit too much just to be in the limelight.
If you are doing something wrong at a date, you will see the signs when a promoter reacts to it by talking too much. That is how they will initially react to pressure. If you do not adapt, they will start throwing a tantrum and you will fail miserably in your date.
How to Date Controllers
A controller’s worst idea of a date:
Hi, darling! It’s so good to see you! Oh, about tonight, don’t worry. You don’t need to do a single thing. I have chosen everything for you. The food I have ordered for our date tonight, it is fixed so you don’t have to decide what you want to order. And our movie for tonight, oh, you are gonna love it. We are gonna watch ‘The Titanic’ again where we can both sit still for HOURS and hold each other’s hands and just contemplate on the LOVE of the main characters. Oh, I just love the way their romance blossoms all the way till the tragic end, *sob*, it is just so touching… thinking about it just makes me wanna cry all over again. Oh, darling, we are so going to enjoy tonight, it’s gonna be so good that we can spend time together and I promise that this is going to be the most romantic date ever that we treasure a lifetime…
A controller’s worst nightmare is not being able to have any control of his surroundings and the might develop a claustrophobic feeling from being smoldered with sentimentalism and doing the same thing over and over again with the same results.
If you are a Supporter:
Do not smolder your date too much. They like to get things done, so don’t take up too much of their time. More important give your date the perception of ACHIEVEMENT by structuring the evening with activities he feels will be productive (yes, even the process of courtship is like list of achievements to him or her). Also give your date the freedom to make many different choices so they will not feel the lack of power in making decisions.
If you are an Analyzer:
When dealing with a controller, do not take too long to make decisions. You may enjoy the process of thinking it over, but the controller is more concerned with getting results. The greatest problem with analyzers is that they perceive activity as busy-ness and think that it is productive, but to the mind of the controller, it is not. Learn to comply with the controller to get to his or her heart. When a controller shares an idea with you, try not to offer your detailed analysis to counter his ‘proposal’. If it is possible, comply with their need to be in authority and structure other ways around it. Getting along with controllers is easy as long as you do not challenge them and help them to save time.
If you are a promoter:
Promoters can get along well with controllers if they structure their date around tasks that rewards with achievement and results. Controllers like being winners in a competitive challenge. If you are talking halfway, let the controller express their view, agree with them and continue on with your story. Don’t smolder him with too much colorful details. They like things to the point and showing the controller that you have worked out the entire evening without wasting too much of their time will satisfy their obsession with efficiency. They like being in control so before you start talking, ask them what they want to talk about so you can tell them your stories once you find their hot button.
If you are another controller:
Controllers might not like being around another controller. They don’t like the idea of sharing power. Do not struggle with another controller over who is going to settle the bill. They like being the ‘boss’ so let them. Also, behind every tough looking controller is also the need to be appreciated so try and take some time to listen to the feelings behind their words. Learn to give and take also when it comes to making decisions for the evening.
When you are doing something a controller dislikes, his initial reaction to pressure is by become more controlling. You can see it in his/her face that she wants to take more control of the situation as the voice becomes more and more edgy. You know you have an unsuccessful date when the controller turns into a dictator.
How to Date Supporters
A supporter’s worst idea of a date:
OK. This is our plan for the date tonight. First, we go to the movies. I have arranged it so that you won’t waste time traveling, lining up and hanging around the area. We are moving fast so once the movie is finish, we will rush to the restaurant where the food will be served quickly. Next, we will head over to the bowling center where there is a competition for teams. Try not to score too low for this one because if we exceed a certain amount of points, they will reward us with a few gifts. Don’t ask why the plans are like this. I have made all the decisions for tonight so let’s get moving now. Oh, don’t worry about your parents’ curfew, we want to pack as much as possible into one night so coming home a few minutes late won’t offend your parents, they are too old-fashioned thinking anyway. Who cares if your dad is waiting for me with a chainsaw??.
A supporter don’t like being rushed from one place to another because they usually lack urgency and like to take things slowly. They are also not used to well structured goals and rigid planning. Don’t put them in situations where they might offend other people.
If you are a controller:
Take things SLOW! They like to have clear options and take the safest route. Take them to places where they can make a lot of new friends and form good relationships. Learn to accept them for who they are and don’t try to find fault with what they are doing although you may be tempted to criticize them when they are moving too slowly or not efficient enough. Most of the time, they are not too concerned with getting things done and they will ask the question WHY a lot because centers around their personal goals. Try not to go around picking a fight with other people also during the date, if the waiter is slow; don’t screw him up because your date will worry about hurting other people’s feelings. Even if you can’t save those few minutes, it will work out to your advantage because your date will like to spend the time with you. Also remember to relate to their feelings because they are more emotional oriented.
If you are a promoter:
It is fine to talk to supporters about all kinds of things. But in the process, you might neglect their feelings because you are too centered on yourself. Do not put them in high- pressure or competitive challenges because what may pump your adrenaline may not be your date’s cup of tea. They enjoy relationships that are safe and comfortable so don’t appear too extreme. They like things to be warm and long lasting so don’t jump from one place to another, it makes them feel insecure. Most important of all, be sensitive to their
feelings. This takes effort and can be easily overlooked because they won’t tell you that they are hurting.
If you are an analyzer:
Remember not to bore your date to death. He or she might not tell you it is boring and that is not good. They are also not interested in your detailed planning and structure on how to have a good date because they themselves are not interested in planning. The best way to date a supporter is to show more empathy for what they are feeling rather than giving a systematic approach to solving the problem. Don’t act as if you are too aloof or stuffy because you know so much. Though analyzers tend not to give out too much trust, you must at least appear to be accepting to your date because they need that security as well.
If you are another supporter:
You both can do a good job making each other feel comfortable. Unfortunately, one of you must be assertive and make the decisions or else both will be slow and obliging and might even get into difficult situations because of inaction (such as being late for a movie). The way to win over another supporter is to assert yourself and take actions. Make the decision for your date. Also, remember to shower your date with attention and don’t appear too laid back.
If you do something that disagrees with them, it is very difficult to tell because they will always give in at first. When the pressure persists, they supporter will tend to pout and sulk letting their discontentment brew deep within their hearts. However, you can sense their discontent through the subtle tone in their voice.
How to date Analyzers
An Analyzer’s worst idea of a date:
HEY! HOW’S IT GOING, BABY! YO! TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A BLAST! WE ARE HEADING TO THE HOTTEST CLUB IN TOWN TONIGHT WHERE THERE WILL BE LOUD MUSIC, EXCITEMENT, AND A CHANCE TO LET YOUR HAIR DOWN AND PARTAAAYYYYYYY! THERE’S GONNA BE SO MANY PEOPLE THERE TONIGHT. MAN, I CAN’T WAIT TO GO WILD AND JUMP ON THE TABLE AND TAKE OFF MY SHIRT, SWING IT ALL AROUND IN FRONT OF THE CROWD. DUDE, THERES GONNA BE GAMES THERE WHERE THEY WILL PUT YOU UP ON STAGE AND EVERYONE WILL BE LOOKING AT YOU DO THE CRAZIEST STUNTS. MAN, WHAT CAN BE BETTER THAN TONIGHT, HUH?
I am not saying that analyzers are boring people, but it is very clear that they have little desire for unwanted attention. The worst thing you can do to an analyzer is making him or her lose face!
If you are a promoter:
Don’t kill your date by giving them unwanted attention. They tend to be more shy and less outgoing so don’t put them in a situation where they have to talk to a lot of strangers. Loud music and excitement are ok but just keep the attention away from them and also allow them to wallow in their little corner once in a while. They need the space to think about what is going on and to analyze the situation. They don’t like unpredictable events so give them full detail about what the whole evening is about and they will appreciate it much better.
If you are a controller:
Don’t pressure them into making quick decisions. They prefer situations of limited pressure with unlimited time to make decisions as well as consider escape routes and safe alternatives. Also don’t scold them if they ask too many questions on how is it done or this and that because they gain security by understand the technical aspect to all things. Never ever say things that make them feel embarrassed. They are also not very aggressive people who do things at their own pace. To win the heart of an analyzer, take interest (I mean real, genuine INTEREST) in what their field of specialization is. Ask them to elaborate and relate to their theories and ideas and you will have a friend for life.
If you are a supporter:
Take time to digest the things analyzers are saying. I know you don’t like to think too much, but if you do think about the things analyzers are saying and ask the right questions, they will be very happy to be around you rather than you just going, “Uh huh, yeah, uh ok…, yup…” Don’t disregard their plannings and well-structured schedules also. They need time do a lot of things also because they judge their productivity by their busy-ness so just tag along and enjoy.
If you are another analyzer:
Learn about the field of expertise or your date’s interest. If the both of you have things in common, you will get along just fine. But if you are not interested in what he or she has to say, do some research about it. Interest is developed as you know more and more about the topic. So as you know more, you can relate more and win over your date. The best way to win over their heart, is to take the initiative and make decisions for them (you can explain the details later). If help them ask other people questions, they will appreciate you as well because they might not like to as others questions for fear of losing face.
An analyzer’s warning signal is very easy to spot. He or she will fall completely silent. If pressure persists, the analyzer will enter a state of withdrawal and block themselves up for the rest of the date.
Being Everything to Everyone!
Of course we can’t be everything to everyone. We must also be ourselves or else we will come across ask fake or unnatural. But hey, dating should be a fun-filled activity and I hope the guidelines I have provided in this book can help you with your date.
Remember that there are always different degrees of the 4 quadrants and there are even people who might fall somewhere in the middle of 2 or all 4 of the quadrants. Once you have learnt to communicate well with others, you will have no problems getting a date or pleasing your date.
Have fun and happy dating!